I am naturally attracted to alpha males. It’s true, and even if I try to step outside the norm and stay away from the alpha personalities, I always find myself circling back around to the type of men who eventually end up breaking my heart. When I first started dating, I believed that alpha was synonymous with chivalrous. This error in judgment led to many heartbreaks and a great deal of bad relationships. Is it even possible for an alpha male to be chivalrous and caring or does that just go against what makes the man alpha in the first place?
Not many people know that I have experienced both sides of domestic discipline, the good and the bad. There is the wonderful, caring, guiding discipline that is administered by a person who truly cares for your well-being. They can give direction that is empowering rather than making you feel like less of a person. On the other side, I have experienced domestic discipline that can very clearly be defined as domestic violence. This type of relationship could be borderline abuse or even (many times) straight out abuse, administered by a man who was far too interested in causing pain than in offering loving guidance.
I will forever carry scars, physically and emotionally, from these relationships. These scars can clearly be seen in my books where the story might turn a bit violent or the man becomes more cruel than loving. I don’t know why this happens, and maybe writing it out is a form of self-therapy for me. Actually, I know writing it out has become a form of therapy for me. Detailing some experiences that I may have experienced, or how I have perceived these experiences is somehow cathartic. It’s how I interpret my world, or how I reflect on my healing.
I know not everyone agrees with the level of discipline in my books, but having experienced harsh punishments in past relationships, I understand the characters in these books better than I understand myself sometimes. I know how and why the characters validate the male’s behavior or rationalize why they stay with him, I know this because I have done it myself, over and over again. The psychological impact of domestic discipline and domestic violence is often ignored in many of the books available.
My goal has never been to publish a bestselling book, actually I am far too shy to have that kind of notoriety. I would be more apt to disappear from the publishing world before embracing that kind of notoriety. The encouraging emails from readers who have related with my books or loved my writing style have been all the notoriety that I need. My characters are my first concern, and my loyal readers are next. My goals in sharing my books are to hopefully entertain others and to give myself a form of validation to all the wrong choices I have made in my life. Hopefully the experience will give me better direction in my life than what I have found so far.