March comes in like a lion…

March is by far my favorite month of the year, the spring season fighting to surface while winters till tries to hold on for just a few more weeks. Yesterday it was beautiful out, but right now I am sitting in my kitchen, looking out the window at dark angry clouds as I wait for the big snow storm to hit. I love the snow and I love the beautifully warm spring days. Unfortunately, the fluctuating temperatures cause confusion in my brain and I tend to get the flu around this time. I hoped to escape it this year, but the weather at 70 degrees one day and snowing the next was just too much and I got sick.
Whenever I am sick, I want to just curl up in bed and hide from the world. Of course, this is not possible as there are too many responsibilities in life. So, I had to still get out of bed, despite the killer headache and the aching muscles. I powdered my nose and put a smile on my face even though my entire body was screaming for rest. As expected, all this did was make things worse and my entire life was thrown off balance for a good two weeks by the common flu.
Warning: I am going to whine…just for a moment. I have this really great guy (who we will call Cowboy Jake since he reminds me so much of Jake from Finding Chloe) and I also had my spring break from school only days away when I was leveled by the first wave of sickness. Being an optimistic person, I hoped it was only allergies so I popped a couple OTC allergy pills and kept on going, but that didn’t last long and before you know it, I was hunkering down at home. I didn’t want Cowboy Jake to worry overly much, but as the days added up he muscled his way into my room and insisted I go to the hospital. I was too weak to fight him, so I ended up in the hospital pretty well dehydrated. I cannot express the miracles of IV fluids enough, just walking out of there after a few hours I felt 1000 times better.
So yeah, my spring break was pretty much wasted in bed and just keeping up with school since then has been difficult. I won’t even go into how difficult it is to drag myself to work each day haha. I am definitely on the upswing of this sickness, but if anyone else out there hasn’t had the flu shot, I suggest you get it. This flu is definitely the worst I have ever had. I am getting the flu shot next season for sure, but I always say that 🙂
I just wanted to post an update and say a big thank you to everyone who has e-mailed in the past few weeks with kind words and questions. I am working on a couple different projects and am excited to finish them in the next weeks. This month has been madness, but I am glad the warmer months are fast approaching. Here’s to hoping that March leaves like a lamb…

Mail Order Brides

I decided to venture into the historical romance realm again with a new series about mail order brides, but adding in the twist of domestic discipline. So far, I have only one book finished, but I hope to do a few more in the coming months. These books are not my typical style as they are set in the late 1800’s to early 1900’s when settlers were just beginning to stake their claims in western America. Women were scarce and mail order brides was a common practice for lonely men. The first book is titled: Mail Order Brides: A Well Punished Wife and is set in a fictional town in Montana. The description and link are below.

Mail Order Bride

Historical Domestic Discipline Romance

Logan Millard had two children and no wife. He already had his fair share of deceptive women when his wife had run off with a traveling salesman and he wanted nothing to do with women again until he realized he was not capable of handling his ranch and his children properly. Although Logan was ruled by dark desires that no woman could understand, let alone satisfy, he was desperate for a woman to mother his children and fulfill all the domestic duties around the house. Logan was certain a mail-order bride was the perfect choice. He could easily keep his hands off a spinster woman who was just desperate for a husband.
When Carolyn stepped off the train in Crandon, Montana, Logan found himself in a world of trouble. Not only was his mail-order bride young and beautiful, but she was igniting the dark desires that he had tried desperately to keep hidden. Carolyn finds her work on Logan’s ranch much harder than she anticipated and ends up bent over and being punished frequently by the man she married. When Logan starts to realize that Carolyn is not the woman she portrayed in her letters, Carolyn fears her new husband will figure out the truth. Can Carolyn keep her past hidden from Logan? Will Logan be able to trust his wife, knowing she is lying to him?
This book is intended for adults only. All acts and characters depicted in this story are fiction and any resemblance to real life is purely coincidental. This book contains material that may be offensive to some readers. Do not purchase or read this book if you are not comfortable with these subjects: Sexual content, mail order bride and spanking of an adult woman

Resolving to be Unresolved

I don’t believe in New Years resolutions. I know it goes against the grain of society considering everyone I know has already asked me what my New Years resolution is for this year and my answer is always the same, I don’t have one. In the past, I have always thought of something to say, a resolution that would be logical and something I was trying to work on anyway, but I decided that New Years resolutions are just another way to disappoint myself. You have to understand that there are no vices that I am particularly bound to. I don’t smoke, I don’t drink, I don’t do drugs. I am a fairly straight and narrow goody-two-shoes, but I still enjoy attending the festivities of the New Year celebration.

I love this time of year because there is so much hope in the fresh start that the new year provides. When the clock flipped over to 2013, last year, I promised myself that I would not make any resolutions (which I inevitably break anyway) and I would not have any high aspirations or goals for the year. I would roll with the punches and take things as they came. Ironically, 2013 went down in my books as one of my better years in nearly every aspect of my life. Did I still have speed bumps and detours to navigate? Of course, but the road between them was far smoother than normal.

Because of the success of 2013, I am a bit apprehensive to set any goals or resolutions for 2014. I fear that tempting fate will lead to disaster, so I rang in the New Year with great friends and have set no resolution for me to attain. I do not believe it is being pessimistic, probably more realistic than anything else. I believe this formula is working well because it is Day 2 of the year 2014 and I have accomplished a great deal.

I am curious what others have chosen for their New Years resolutions. I have heard a great deal about quitting this or that, but are there any resolutions that are outside of the box? No matter what, I hope that everyone had a safe New Year and I wish only the best for everyone in 2014.

adventures and mishaps with alpha males

I am naturally attracted to alpha males. It’s true, and even if I try to step outside the norm and stay away from the alpha personalities, I always find myself circling back around to the type of men who eventually end up breaking my heart. When I first started dating, I believed that alpha was synonymous with chivalrous. This error in judgment led to many heartbreaks and a great deal of bad relationships. Is it even possible for an alpha male to be chivalrous and caring or does that just go against what makes the man alpha in the first place?

Not many people know that I have experienced both sides of domestic discipline, the good and the bad. There is the wonderful, caring, guiding discipline that is administered by a person who truly cares for your well-being. They can give direction that is empowering rather than making you feel like less of a person. On the other side, I have experienced domestic discipline that can very clearly be defined as domestic violence. This type of relationship could be borderline abuse or even (many times) straight out abuse, administered by a man who was far too interested in causing pain than in offering loving guidance.

I will forever carry scars, physically and emotionally, from these relationships. These scars can clearly be seen in my books where the story might turn a bit violent or the man becomes more cruel than loving. I don’t know why this happens, and maybe writing it out is a form of self-therapy for me. Actually, I know writing it out has become a form of therapy for me. Detailing some experiences that I may have experienced, or how I have perceived these experiences is somehow cathartic. It’s how I interpret my world, or how I reflect on my healing.

I know not everyone agrees with the level of discipline in my books, but having experienced harsh punishments in past relationships, I understand the characters in these books better than I understand myself sometimes. I know how and why the characters validate the male’s behavior or rationalize why they stay with him, I know this because I have done it myself, over and over again. The psychological impact of domestic discipline and domestic violence is often ignored in many of the books available.

My goal has never been to publish a bestselling book, actually I am far too shy to have that kind of notoriety. I would be more apt to disappear from the publishing world before embracing that kind of notoriety. The encouraging emails from readers who have related with my books or loved my writing style have been all the notoriety that I need. My characters are my first concern, and my loyal readers are next.  My goals in sharing my books are to hopefully entertain others and to give myself a form of validation to all the wrong choices I have made in my life. Hopefully the experience will give me better direction in my life than what I have found so far.

Temper Tantrum and Apologies

I have been horrible at keeping up with this blog. I must say that I am not the most computer saavy girl out there, actually I am fairly horrible with the rapidly growing internet world. I don’t have instagram (although all my friends rave about it) I just don’t understand pictures as part of a social network…but maybe that is just the introvert in me rebelling against the lack of privacy that is so obvious to me when it comes to social media. But that is my own opinion and I could go off on that tangent and bore you all with my opinions and obvious lack of social media skills.

I have been neglectful and I apologize. I could rationalize it, justifying my behavior with valid excuses, like how my computer crashed and I lost two finished books that I was about to publish and a handful of half finished stories, but that doesn’t change the fact that I have gone too long without an update.

The month of Febuary was very difficult for me, emotionally. My man was very patient with me and I thank him for that because he didn’t have to be. There is really no reason for my moodiness, at least none that I can pinpoint. Well as with most people in life, there is just only so much a person will take before they have had enough and my man’s fuse was very long before he just blew. I was thoroughly reprimanded, and rightfully. Looking back over the month I can see how inconsiderate, disprespectful, and completely childish I was behaving.

I lost all of my files on my computer and for a few days I wasn’t even quite sure if I would be able to continue using the computer. As a grad student, I live on a very tight budget and a new computer was not possible. So, as the stress compounded I literally sat on the floor and cried, and it wasn’t a cute sweet little show of emotion, it was a loud cry. My man, bless his heart, was so caring and actually paid to have my computer fixed. Although I now had my computer back and working, I still was upset that I lost everything on it. I pouted for weeks like a spoiled child, and although my man was understanding and comforting, I pushed it too far. So that was the straw that broke the camel’s back, or so they say.

I am officially back on track with school (I won’t even go into the dirty details of how horribly behind I got in just a few short weeks!) I am also back to writing. I must say that my man can be very motivating sometimes.

Listen to your elders….right?

life

Life is a series of lessons. As adolescents we think we know it all, defying all the advice from our parents, grandparents, and any adult figure. Basically, all the people who really do know better than we do.

We go out into the world, jumping in with both feet, not even looking to see if the water is hot or if we are jumping into the mouth of a crocodile, we just jump, certain that we know better and will do better than those before us because we are smarter, right?

The first stumble is a blow to our ego, but we rise up, dust ourselves off, and keep going because one mistake doesn’t make a bad person. Then life begins to hit us with one thing after another, we start saying things like, “if it’s not raining, then it’s pouring”  Life becomes a series of mistakes and bad decisions that add up, one after the other, a wicked storybook detailing the moments we are most ashamed of.

Before long, things begin to settle down. Life seems to become more of a dirt road with bumps and curves, but fairly even.

Then out of nowhere, without any warning, our past comes back to haunt us…for whatever reason, nobody really knows, it seems like it is just another cruel game that life likes to play with us.  And the entire time, even years after leaving home, all you can think is, “I should have listened to my parents.” Yet, despite the warnings of generations past, we all make that same mistakes. Certain that our parents don’t understand our generation, they don’t know what it is like because things are different.

Looking back, I know now that nothing ever really changes. Little things like fashion may change or technology improves like cell phones compared to corded home phones, but all in all, people are people. Every girl in high school still gets her heart broken by that boy who swore he loved her and would love her forever only to shatter her heart to pieces when he gets whatever he wanted from her.

What is my point with this post, you ask? I have no idea lol. I was born in the era where spankings were being pushed aside for punishments like time-out. I can’t tell you how long I spent in that time-out chair when I was a child, but I am sure it was an awful long time.

I was warned about men who were mean, abusive, and cruel. Men should be doting and caring, my parents would say. Knowing that physical punishment was on that list of “bad men to date”, I know they would not approve of my penchant for picking men who are more dominant, alpha men who carry themselves with confidence and strength. What my parents don’t understand is that dominant men, a real dominant man, is not abusive but completely caring and loving. I have been treated like a princess, my needs put first in all ways, with a dominant man. I can’t say that I have ever felt that cherished by any man who was not into DD that I dated.

So what if a man put his woman over his knee and spanks her when she is acting like a spoiled brat, or that he paddles her bottom when she has put herself in danger? What is so wrong with that if it is consensual, if it is not excessive and if it is something that works for them, as a couple? Who are we to judge? In this day and age, really what can people say?

There are many mistakes that I wish I had listened to my parents on, like credit scores and how important they are. It took me having a bad credit rating to realize how difficult it is in life with bad credit, thankfully that has been fixed since then, but what a waste of time! So yes, my parents were right on credit scores and paying bills on time, but maybe with this one thing about dominant men, maybe they are wrong. Life is more fulfilling to me when I am with a man who is focused on me and taking care of me, is that so bad? Am I blinded by my own desires to see the truth? Are my parents right and am I just having life teach me another lesson? I just want to believe that maybe my parents just don’t know enough about a DD relationship to really make the right judgment. It isn’t about abuse like many believe, it is about love and respect. And maybe people aren’t giving DD the chance it deserves.

Finding Chloe…and other madness

Recently I have been playing around with a story idea and I really didn’t know where it was going and had no idea how it would end. I would visit the characters every now and then and add a little bit more to the story here and there, but it was never really pressing on my heart to give much attention to the story until a few weeks ago.
It is the weirdest feeling to just have a complete story grow in your mind and you can’t do anything but obsess over getting it written down before it disappears. So that is what I have been doing over the past few weeks! I have been concentrating on this one story that had been sitting around just waiting for me to pay attention. I have spent too many late nights staying up because I was afraid to fall asleep, afraid I would lose the words that I was needing to get down on paper (or computer screen!) Well, as with most relationships, when you spend so much time together you grow a fondness that can be both confusing and exciting. I fell in love with these characters and I can honestly say that it is one of my favorite stories so far, even though I do grow a fondness for them all, each character was created as a representation of myself at different points in my life. It is really quite deep, psychologically, if you really got into it and started to dissect it, but that is a subject best suited for a psychologist 🙂
I grew to love these characters so much. Chloe and Jake became my best friends over the past few weeks. I found the entire experience with them was a lot of fun and I am a bit sad to see them go.
I finished writing Finding Chloe last night around 2 AM and as I finished the editing and formatting, I felt like I was losing a best friend as I posted it online for publishing. I had become so close to the main character, Chloe, that it was sad to see her go. It is the oddest feeling to get attached to characters that you create. Some things are beyond description.
For anyone interested in Finding Chloe, I have posted a description below. It is available at smashwords, Amazon.com, Barnes and Noble, and KOBO. The picture is actually a link to the book on Amazon (I figured out how to do this all by myself!) One of my more proud moments of the new year since I really know very little about computers! I really hope that I can reach the reader in my books, I know I can’t reach everybody, but just one person, that is the kind of thing that makes this all worthwhile, lord knows that I don’t write for the money!

chloe