Temper Tantrum and Apologies

I have been horrible at keeping up with this blog. I must say that I am not the most computer saavy girl out there, actually I am fairly horrible with the rapidly growing internet world. I don’t have instagram (although all my friends rave about it) I just don’t understand pictures as part of a social network…but maybe that is just the introvert in me rebelling against the lack of privacy that is so obvious to me when it comes to social media. But that is my own opinion and I could go off on that tangent and bore you all with my opinions and obvious lack of social media skills.

I have been neglectful and I apologize. I could rationalize it, justifying my behavior with valid excuses, like how my computer crashed and I lost two finished books that I was about to publish and a handful of half finished stories, but that doesn’t change the fact that I have gone too long without an update.

The month of Febuary was very difficult for me, emotionally. My man was very patient with me and I thank him for that because he didn’t have to be. There is really no reason for my moodiness, at least none that I can pinpoint. Well as with most people in life, there is just only so much a person will take before they have had enough and my man’s fuse was very long before he just blew. I was thoroughly reprimanded, and rightfully. Looking back over the month I can see how inconsiderate, disprespectful, and completely childish I was behaving.

I lost all of my files on my computer and for a few days I wasn’t even quite sure if I would be able to continue using the computer. As a grad student, I live on a very tight budget and a new computer was not possible. So, as the stress compounded I literally sat on the floor and cried, and it wasn’t a cute sweet little show of emotion, it was a loud cry. My man, bless his heart, was so caring and actually paid to have my computer fixed. Although I now had my computer back and working, I still was upset that I lost everything on it. I pouted for weeks like a spoiled child, and although my man was understanding and comforting, I pushed it too far. So that was the straw that broke the camel’s back, or so they say.

I am officially back on track with school (I won’t even go into the dirty details of how horribly behind I got in just a few short weeks!) I am also back to writing. I must say that my man can be very motivating sometimes.

Listen to your elders….right?

life

Life is a series of lessons. As adolescents we think we know it all, defying all the advice from our parents, grandparents, and any adult figure. Basically, all the people who really do know better than we do.

We go out into the world, jumping in with both feet, not even looking to see if the water is hot or if we are jumping into the mouth of a crocodile, we just jump, certain that we know better and will do better than those before us because we are smarter, right?

The first stumble is a blow to our ego, but we rise up, dust ourselves off, and keep going because one mistake doesn’t make a bad person. Then life begins to hit us with one thing after another, we start saying things like, “if it’s not raining, then it’s pouring”  Life becomes a series of mistakes and bad decisions that add up, one after the other, a wicked storybook detailing the moments we are most ashamed of.

Before long, things begin to settle down. Life seems to become more of a dirt road with bumps and curves, but fairly even.

Then out of nowhere, without any warning, our past comes back to haunt us…for whatever reason, nobody really knows, it seems like it is just another cruel game that life likes to play with us.  And the entire time, even years after leaving home, all you can think is, “I should have listened to my parents.” Yet, despite the warnings of generations past, we all make that same mistakes. Certain that our parents don’t understand our generation, they don’t know what it is like because things are different.

Looking back, I know now that nothing ever really changes. Little things like fashion may change or technology improves like cell phones compared to corded home phones, but all in all, people are people. Every girl in high school still gets her heart broken by that boy who swore he loved her and would love her forever only to shatter her heart to pieces when he gets whatever he wanted from her.

What is my point with this post, you ask? I have no idea lol. I was born in the era where spankings were being pushed aside for punishments like time-out. I can’t tell you how long I spent in that time-out chair when I was a child, but I am sure it was an awful long time.

I was warned about men who were mean, abusive, and cruel. Men should be doting and caring, my parents would say. Knowing that physical punishment was on that list of “bad men to date”, I know they would not approve of my penchant for picking men who are more dominant, alpha men who carry themselves with confidence and strength. What my parents don’t understand is that dominant men, a real dominant man, is not abusive but completely caring and loving. I have been treated like a princess, my needs put first in all ways, with a dominant man. I can’t say that I have ever felt that cherished by any man who was not into DD that I dated.

So what if a man put his woman over his knee and spanks her when she is acting like a spoiled brat, or that he paddles her bottom when she has put herself in danger? What is so wrong with that if it is consensual, if it is not excessive and if it is something that works for them, as a couple? Who are we to judge? In this day and age, really what can people say?

There are many mistakes that I wish I had listened to my parents on, like credit scores and how important they are. It took me having a bad credit rating to realize how difficult it is in life with bad credit, thankfully that has been fixed since then, but what a waste of time! So yes, my parents were right on credit scores and paying bills on time, but maybe with this one thing about dominant men, maybe they are wrong. Life is more fulfilling to me when I am with a man who is focused on me and taking care of me, is that so bad? Am I blinded by my own desires to see the truth? Are my parents right and am I just having life teach me another lesson? I just want to believe that maybe my parents just don’t know enough about a DD relationship to really make the right judgment. It isn’t about abuse like many believe, it is about love and respect. And maybe people aren’t giving DD the chance it deserves.

Finding Chloe…and other madness

Recently I have been playing around with a story idea and I really didn’t know where it was going and had no idea how it would end. I would visit the characters every now and then and add a little bit more to the story here and there, but it was never really pressing on my heart to give much attention to the story until a few weeks ago.
It is the weirdest feeling to just have a complete story grow in your mind and you can’t do anything but obsess over getting it written down before it disappears. So that is what I have been doing over the past few weeks! I have been concentrating on this one story that had been sitting around just waiting for me to pay attention. I have spent too many late nights staying up because I was afraid to fall asleep, afraid I would lose the words that I was needing to get down on paper (or computer screen!) Well, as with most relationships, when you spend so much time together you grow a fondness that can be both confusing and exciting. I fell in love with these characters and I can honestly say that it is one of my favorite stories so far, even though I do grow a fondness for them all, each character was created as a representation of myself at different points in my life. It is really quite deep, psychologically, if you really got into it and started to dissect it, but that is a subject best suited for a psychologist 🙂
I grew to love these characters so much. Chloe and Jake became my best friends over the past few weeks. I found the entire experience with them was a lot of fun and I am a bit sad to see them go.
I finished writing Finding Chloe last night around 2 AM and as I finished the editing and formatting, I felt like I was losing a best friend as I posted it online for publishing. I had become so close to the main character, Chloe, that it was sad to see her go. It is the oddest feeling to get attached to characters that you create. Some things are beyond description.
For anyone interested in Finding Chloe, I have posted a description below. It is available at smashwords, Amazon.com, Barnes and Noble, and KOBO. The picture is actually a link to the book on Amazon (I figured out how to do this all by myself!) One of my more proud moments of the new year since I really know very little about computers! I really hope that I can reach the reader in my books, I know I can’t reach everybody, but just one person, that is the kind of thing that makes this all worthwhile, lord knows that I don’t write for the money!

chloe